So, I was married for 15 years, I've been separated for about 28 months now and officially divorced for about 4 months. Divorce sucks for me, but there is life after divorce.
The truth is that on some crazy level, I still love my ex wife, but just feel so damaged that even if she turned back into the woman that I married and was with for so long, I'm not sure that I could ever trust her again.
Ten days after we separated, she met another guy. He's everything that I'm not, big tough, tattooed guy that doesn't make any money to speak of. To this day, he still is not divorced from his first wife. It's just amazing to me how everything blew apart so quickly... It was a matter of months from my perspective.
I've been out quite a bit and met quite a few different women. I am a traditional guy, with traditional values, so I have not slept around at all. I did meet a wonderful girl that is quite a compliment to me, we fit together in many ways, BUT, I just sort of freaked out recently. I just realized that I was not ready for any serious relationship. After the relationship got really serious (which I was an advocate of initially) , I felt like a caged animal emotionally. It was like I could see logically how it could be great, but emotionally, it was overload. I convinced myself that I wanted to meet a bunch of other girls before I could make another life long commitment (which is what marriage always was and is to me). I don't really feel lonely much anymore, but I do miss sex, intimacy and companionship.
I recently met a great woman that is a huge proponent of blogging, she's actually an author. I met her on a plane and she encouraged me to write, so here I am!
More to follow!
6/15/2011
Wow, I can't believe it's almost June 21st. Why June 21st? - because it's the longest day of the year, so on the 22nd, I actually have some feelings of regret because it's officially getting darker, heading back into that time when we all go to work in the dark and come home in the dark. At least warm weather will be here for quite a bit longer.... And September is my favorite month so I've still got things to look forward to.
So, I officially told my recent girlfriend that I want to see other people. She broke down in tears and I felt really sad for her all morning yesterday. What does one say? What does one do? I really care about her, but am positive that for right now, I need to do this - meet lots of people before I get into another serious relationship. The problem was that I really pushed the "pedal to the medal" with this girl, even though my close friends and family were all telling me to go slow. Ah, the life and times of Abe... Starting to get my feet under me again, having fun buying dirt bikes low, fixing them and selling them high. Craigslist is a marvel.
I did see my ex wife yesterday, she is being friendly again. It's so weird being at a softball game with my ex, and being friendly and stuff, all the while realizing that she totally devastated me and my kids when she walked out on the marriage. What a crazy place I am in. I guess acceptance is the best way to keep moving. I am kind to her because I am a kind person, that's who I am. Though I still love her, I could never trust her again.
Enough rambling today.
Peace out!
Abe
6/17/2010
Today was a good day. I had an excellent business meeting with a large coffee company based in MA. The deal I'm hoping to ink is worth about $550K, I call that a "booyah" deal. I will know more in a week, but it's looking really good.
I've not spoken with my x gf since I wrecked her world on Monday. I have felt really badly about it, but in speaking with my friends (I know they are biased) they all have indicated that honesty is best. After our conversation on Monday, I had quite a bit of anxiety about her, and my own confusion regarding her, but that seems to have left. I've been chasing a girl from Boston, but I'm intent on keeping things light and fun, rather than looking for a serious relationship, and I think I've done a pretty good job at that so far. Finding the line between pursuing too hard and not dropping off the face of the planet is difficult, it is a daunting task. It's much easier for me not to get bogged down in the difficulty of finding that line by reminding myself that I'm just a single guy enjoying single hood, and relaxing in that.
I am chatting with another girl online, but she lives across the country, so there's no way it could get serious with her at this point, nor am I looking for that. Just want to meet people, in some way to know that I'm ok as a guy, and that women still find me attractive. The divorce was so devastating, it just ran me over like a steamroller. I saw my ex-wife this morning. That was fine, she was kind, and I was too.
Part of me wants to tell her that I still love her, but I also need to respect her decisions and also face the fact that she left me and my world because she was unhappy for quite some time. I also continue to tell myself that I couldn't ever go back, or let her come back because I can't trust her. It's funny, Sex was such a sacred thing to me. The thought of her cheating on me nearly killed me when I found out about her love for another man. Now, having gone through it, and accepted it, Sex has become more of an accent mark than a foundation, which is what I thought it was. - Not that I don't like it or don't crave it, I do, it's just I've got a completely different perspective on it now. It's like it was an idol in my life or something, now I see that for a relationship to work, its because two people share similar values and ways of thinking, and sex is a compliment to that foundation.
Now to find the girl...
I have traditional values, and am looking to meet girls that share those traditional values, yet are free to be fully open and express who they are. In my marriage, my ex wife was completely suppressed sexually. This led to me being the same way, and a very unhealthy dynamic happened... her being submissive in bed, and really just going through the motions, and me being sexually starved for exciting , unabashed sex. Ah, the lessons that I've learned through the divorce.
Are we having fun yet?
